Age: 21, but there's no way you'd pick it
Sex: male. im certain of it
Likes: Sleeping (without the fishes), nice cars, broom warfare and cultivating the plague in my sink
Dislikes: I can find something i dont like about nearly everything.. but i especially dont like Dr. Seuss (freaky)
Favourite food: lasagne for sure
Favourite music artist: Prince.. what a small, creepy, legend
Drives: a commodooore and a nissan ute
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
It's probably your fault. You know what i'm talking about.
I was Pantjacked - They left me just standing there, holding my belt and shivering in the cold.
My God. It's been 4 years or more since I last posted here. And hasn't a lot happened. It's not a question, as evidenced by the full stop at the end of that last sentence. A lot has happened. When I last posted, I was 21, working on a farm in rural South Australia, and I was 6'5".
Now don't worry, I'm still 6'5".
That's all for now. i cant believe i've posted. When i started this blog Facebook didn't exist.
"You know what - I don't care - pull the trigger - nothing changes the fact that you have a trendless haircut."
Pants taken off at 03:29 am by volvochris
Friday, October 28, 2005
CAUTION: CHILDREN - EXTREMELY FLAMMABLE
And then, mid-surgery, the patient's aorta ruptured - i realised i had to do something - and fast. Just as i started to panic, comebody cried out, "He's no cardiac surgeon - he's only a lumberjack!", and the jig was up.
Where do i start? where do i end? where do i get off? what exactly is my point? How many lightbulbs does it take to change an irishman?
All questions which have interigued and mystified human kind for centuries - Einstein tried to figure them out and ended up going crazy, ruffling up his hair and writing only in single letters (E = mc2 was a pitiful cry for help, but instead he was accidently declared a genius in the field of physics)
I thought i'd had my 2005 Embarrassing moment of the year in february when i walked into a pole in front of a crowd of at least 5000 people queueing for the Big Day Out in Feb - but i may have another contender - a couple of weekends ago myself and my mate Tim went to my 'local' for a few drinks and some pool, and were amazed to see an absolute smorgasboard of barsnacks being laid out on various tables, including ours - party pies, litle suasage rolls, chips etc - we just thought 'bonus' and started snacking away between shots for about, oh, half an hour before some chick walked up to tim, asked if she knew him and then explained that the snacks were out because it was her birthday, she was celebrating it at the pub and they were for her mates!! Gotta say if i hadn't had a few beers i would have felt pretty damn embarrassed. Also Tim has been looking through this site to see if ive mentioned him in any other of our hilarious antics - ok so i haven't really but i'll make up for it now -
that should about do it eh buddy?
So - Australia's Brainiest Kid huh? what a complete arse of a show - i'm smarter than all of these supposed child prodigies - sure im an adult now but i also had a social life as a kid - i can nearly guarantee none of these junior smartarses do much outside of being pressured by their overbearing and probably equally socially inept parents to do well in some pointlessly patronising game show. And how many of the little fuckers think they can solve the worlds problems by declaring some tired catchcry eg. 'I want to help make world peace and equal rights' and then substantiating that with 'because i think it would be good' Gee. what little fucking Einstein/Kofi Annans we're breeding here - Because it really takes some fresh genius to ignore nearly every complication involved with dealing with possibly the broadest, most non-specific issues around, and believe that they're really special for spouting such inane cliches. What a great world we're going to live in if these idealistic, socially retarded suckholes get anywhere in politics.
We need some real entertainment - How about Australia's Stupidest Kid? They answer a series of questions about how they spell their name, what colour the sky is and whether their teeth are liquid or solid, and at the end Australia's Stupidest Kid wins, say, a punch in the head. Perhaps this could also be run concurrently with Australia's Fattest Kid - we get all the schoolyard lardbuckets, put them on the scales, measure their height and make them calculate their Body Mass Index. Then the kid with the BMI closest to an oil tanker gets floated off to Ethiopia for 5 years working holiday.
Pure programming genius. I hope i get to be CEO of a tv station one day.
" Your Mum's one of the best quality hard-core releases this year..."
Dave Callan, Triple J
Pants taken off at 11:53 am by volvochris
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
And now the continued adventures of Rip Van Pusswinkle
The hostages were released without harm in exchange for a fruit platter with lots of pineapple.
I bet you'd thought i wasn't doing this anymore. Well i guess i sure showed you..
Must practice being more tall, dark, silent.. must also practice gazing sternly out over the moors with the cold wind flowing briskly through my manly locks, looking like im visualising some long ago torment in a way which makes women swoon....
woman: hey chris (swoon)
chris: (facing away, towards the moors) i'm.. thinking
woman: about (swoon) the moors?
woman: about the cold wind flowing briskly through your (swoon) manly locks?
woman: about the (swoon) effects of recent world events on the wall street stock exchange?
chris: what?! No!.. i'm thinking of a hidden torment of long ago (squints into bitter wind)
woman: oh.. (general increase in swooning) it couldnt be.. Dr. Seuss?
chris: Dr. Seuss.. that always got to me.. those horrible childrens books.. (stands there doing impression of pillar of granite)
woman: oh chris! (woman can't contain herself any longer and embraces chris passionately)
chris: (allows barest perception of faintest smile)
yeah something like that.. of course i'd need to go to England or Scotland or somewhere where they have foul weather and moors to look out on..
i could give that a shot...
"They sailed serenely across the water in exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't"
- Something i read on the net once years ago
Pants taken off at 01:06 pm by volvochris
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Jimmy cracked corn, and that deeply affected me
And then with only the softest sound of a closing door, Van Gogh was Van Gone..
Back in the old days, well back, back even before 'nam, it was considered socially unacceptable for women to ride horses properly, it was the done thing for a woman to ride a horse sidesaddle. That is, with both legs on one side of the horse. Now i don't know a lot about the old days, but did this rule have other applications?
for instance, did girls in the school playground have to use the slippery dip sidesaddle? Was the toilet a strictly sidesaddle affair? Just how difficult would it have been to ride a pushbike sidesaddle?
My point is, i think it was pretty bloody ridiculous. Everything had to be ladylike... in fact as far back as the late 17th and early 18th centuries (16 and 1700's) it was considered high fashion for even men to be ladylike, with enourmous powdered wigs and falsetto voices and useless frilly handkerchiefs.
Ok so the main point here is (and i know you've been asking yourself what the hell it is) that society is a fickle thing. Fashions, decorum, morals, ethics, attitudes - they change like the wind. It would have been controversial for a female not to ride a horse sidesaddle 100 years ago, where nowadays i know girls (esp. my younger sister) who can sit at the bar with a pint of draught and out burp just about anyone. And who knows, maybe in a few years time it will be acceptable for women to go topless on any public beach they choose. Yes. Thats what got me thinking all high and mighty like this. The possibility that one day i'll be able to go to the beach and get an absolute eyeful. mmm. I can only dream.
I want to see more topless women at the beach.
Pants taken off at 01:14 pm by volvochris
Saturday, June 11, 2005
lets go to a restaurant and order breakfast cereal..
I'm busy this weekend, i'm moving into my new head.
First off, what the hell are you doing reading my private blog? This is an invasion of privacy and i simply can't tolerate it. If you are reading this, look away now.
I'd like to declare (again), that girls are too damn complicated. Well not so much complicated but they certainly have high expectations. I get the feeling that in order to even think about being romantic with a chick, or for a chick to start thinking that way about me, i have to look like any number of movie stars, have won mr. universe 3 times running, written 4 books in a proposed 12 volume work on Theoretical Quantum Physics, and appeared at the appollo theatre as a comedian to a packed house. I simply cant do that. Cant you settle for less? Can't you settle for laziness, blinding all nighters and a whole lot of sex? Obviously not.
I can't be fucked writing anymore.
"IM GLAD I KILLED SNOWY BASTARD" - Written on Mr. Lovely's chest. 'I am not an Animal'
Pants taken off at 12:34 pm by volvochris
Saturday, March 05, 2005
el casa le nostra i can't speak spanish.
The murder weapon is never a zuchinni
I was planning to burst into broadway-style song for this entry, but as it probably wouldn't come across all too well on the net, im going to write a quick list of things you can do to appear more alternative, individual, and postmodern -
1- Find a pile of cows (2-3m high). Walk up to them and say 'Woof'
2- Leave an ad in the personal section of the paper, and list among your description that
you have 'the intelligence of a chicken having a stroke and the loyalty of a cucumber'
3 - listen to blank cds and tell everyone they are studio recordings of flavour
4 - catch a taxi to next door and do a runner
5 - plant a chair. tell your friends you're hoping to harvest a couch by christmas
6 - go to poetry recitals and read 'Green Eggs and Ham' by Dr. Seuss - cry at the end.
7 - go waterskiing wearing a cape.
8 - go to a baby shower and give the new mother a 'morning after' pill and
tell her its not too late.
9 - ring your parents - when they answer, give the phone to a friend and say 'its for you'.
10 - phone the domestic violence helpline to report the neighbours for beating eggs
11 - fake your own death, then haunt one of your friend's houses
12 - plan a wedding for your two favourite household appliances, bring a person as a
"But you can't afford that kind of spite" - Robert Timmins
Pants taken off at 10:58 am by volvochris
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Incorrect beards may be harmful
New - the revolutionary 18 slice toaster/shaver - for men who like toast.
Right. Well. Back into it then. Time to dig deep into the dark, stagnant, rarely used and completely pointless recesses of my brain (Actually a subdivision of the bit that provides sex drive - Brain).
*Sigh*.. being bagged by my own brain..
You may have noticed that i haven't made an entry since before last chrismtas - well i'll thank you to keep in mind that every website needs a couple of months holiday, especially when typing is such an effort. so stop your whining.
The things that happen in a couple of months - nothing..
actually got the boat on the water a couple of times, wicked fun and very self satisfying
but really thats about it.
Life here is pretty much long periods of boredom broken up by long periods of boredom - the other day a mate and i saw how close we could park our cars together and then spent 20 minutes taking photos and getting people to come and look. And it was the most exciting thing that happened that week and now im writing about it on the net. See my point?
Watching an ad for some body wash the other day and it was telling me that by buying this certain product i could "Wash baby softness into (my) skin..." After getting over being initially offended that this ad assumed that i was less of a man and more of a woman, I had a bit of a think, and started to wonder exactly how appealing it is from a man's point of view for a woman to have washed baby softness into her skin - i mean we don't lust after babies for starters, and i can't remember the last time a mate was telling me about a sexual encounter and said "Yeah she was great - her skin was so soft it was just like fucking a baby!" (How about a few more full stops, for a few less paragraph long sentences - did i absorb nothing in Year 12 English?! -Brain)
Maybe i think too much about these kind of things, but i'd say thats a valid point..
I'm beginning to wish i was musical - dont have a musical bone in my body ("Doctor he's shattered his musical bone!") but if i was i'd have a band called The Bleeding Heads, and we'd write a song called 'Beanbag is a Funny Word' and we'd make millions...
(Slaughter the firstborn child - Brain)
ah put a parrot in it Captain Ahab..
"Help! The Doll's tring to kill me and the toaster's been laughing at me" - Homer Simpson
P.S. seeing as i haven't been online for so long my hotmail account has expired - taking all my addresses with it - so for those of you who read this and email me, send your addy to the same old email i've always had, it is reactivated.
Pants taken off at 01:02 pm by volvochris
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
there was an awkward pause - then his beard caught fire
Pants taken off at 10:42 am by volvochris
Friday, December 17, 2004
Uproar east - strike west!
Right thats it! Sell the children, we're getting a divorce!
Im going to Alice Springs on thursday for christmas. Now thats fairly boring in itself, in fact you probably think im running out of stuff to write about.
Well you're right. But this story has a point to it anyway..
The point is, im going by PLANE. (you think im really scraping now dont you huh? well watch this)
So im going by plane, and im beginning to think that terrorists aren't that effective after all. In fact, if they were to even halfway live up to their name id be TERRIFIED of getting on a plane. But im not. I feel no 'terror' at all. SO SUCK THAT TERRORISTS! If im not terrified all the time, than they're obviously not achieving anything significant!
I might be a little apprehensive but they can't claim that as a victory - perhaps if they downgraded their status to Apprehensivists they'd be a force to be reckoned with. The headlines would probably reflect a harrowing story...
"JAMAH ISLAMIAH CONTINUES THREATS OF APPREHENSION"
"GEORGE BUSH UPGRADES APPREHENSION ALERT FROM INDIFFERENT TO SLIGHT"
"BE ALERT NOT APPREHENSIVE"
"RADICAL ISLAMIC CELL THREATENS AIRLINE PASSENGERS WITH POTATO PEELER AND IDLE THREATS - CONDITION DESCRIBED AS MILDY APPREHENSIVE"
I think you get the gist of it
"Tell anyone and I'll cancel christmas.." - Greg Dobson
Pants taken off at 02:55 pm by volvochris
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Tresspassers will be persecuted
Well its been a busy few weeks, and now its one boat, one commodoooore and no more savings later, and im becoming a convincing proponent of 'retail therapy'* all of a sudden...
So, life's looking up, the dollars looking down, Saddam hussein is looking sideways and Casey off Australian Idol is still not looking attractive.
As usual, a few things have annoyed me lately enough to get a mention here - firstly, and always, Australian Idol - but i've done enough bitching. except to say, i dont care how much they try to dress up that Casey girl who won, but she still looks like a big chick wrapped in a tent.
Some of the chistmassy ads on tv give me the shits - there's one at the moment with some woman saying how we should sponsor a child to resdiscover the true meaning of christmas - excuse me? im all for child sponsorship, those kids need all they can get, but WHERE in the bible does it say 'And Jesus gaveth unto Mefundo 1 dollar(eth) a day, and said "take this, and get thee a well" '
Dont try to ram the true meaning of christmas down my throat lady, i dont need that crappy little guilt trip..
And another thing -
I dont give a shit if you have eaten crocodile - so dont bother telling me like you're all tough or something - eating a crocodile is easy, but unless you wrestled it out of a river with only one arm and then bit it to death and dragged it 650ks to the local butcher, you're just another pathetic person with no real life who thinks they can impress me by saying they've eaten crocodile so they'll try anything, just because they heard that i came here from the Northern Territory. You can't tell me that chewing your food was a violent struggle between life and death that henceforth redefined you as a person and inspired you to write a book, "My Struggle with Swallowing". Unless of course you were biting the head off a rat.
man, now im seething... im a very angry young man
"No." - The chick whose number i asked if i could have on saturday night
*its a very girly phrase isnt it?
Pants taken off at 03:32 pm by volvochris